The Last Guide You'll Ever Need

Escape from Las Vegas

In During the Apocalypse on January 8, 2010 at 11:29 am

Dear Apocalyptic Grand Master Savior to the stars,

I live in shithole Las Vegas. Sure there are bigger, more “targetable” cities in the US, but let’s be honest. If you were a terrorist who hates everything that America stands for, why wouldn’t you first look at bombing the “Sin city” where fat, happy tourists abandon their children and blow their life savings on video poker, bad buffets and Celine Dion tickets?

So, how in the hell do I survive? Lake Mead? Head west to the sad mountains we have known as “Mount Charleston”? I’ll be traveling with 3 small children, and a horrible, nagging, god awful wife, who will certainly be the first to die.

You’re right Brad, Vegas sucks. Most population centers are created around a natural resource that supports an economy. Las Vegas was built around gambling, (and the Hoover Dam) so if the gambling stops, so does Vegas. Without power and plumbing, there is nothing to support life there, and this makes a very dangerous post-apocalyptic city. (Continued..)

In most cities, when the calamity hits, many will be heading out of town, but more will hunker down in their homes. Las Vegas will be different because most people’s homes are thousands of miles away and they will do anything to get back to their family and property. The highways will be clogged with cars, busses, mopeds and golf carts. This will be the traffic jam from hell, and what makes it worse, it’s in a damn desert and sadly few will think to bring enough water. You’ll have cars full of spring breakers trying to stay hydrated on Watermelon Wop. Last time I drove through there it was 117 degrees with a breeze.

The situation on the desert highways will become so desperate that many will start trudging back into Vegas to see if the buffet is still all you can eat. The looting and rioting will be incredible. Gangs will form for the last resources and as the electricity and plumbing stops, heat stroke will set in, and the fountains will be raided for the last available water. When the water runs out, the whole damn city will swarm to Lake Mead and set up camps along the shores.

So you can’t stay, and you probably can’t get out through the highways. You could escape through the desert, but after looking at a map, I realize there isn’t anyplace to escape to. For hundreds of miles it’s a massive arid mountain range with nothing to eat but rattle snakes and cactus. You sure picked a shitty place to live.

My number one rule of surviving the apocalypse is to stay away from people during the first postapocalyptic years. People will become desperate, murderous and cannibalistic. However, It seems like you have no choice and you’ll have to head to Lake Mead.

Lake Mead will be the only source of water for miles and will keep you and your family alive. The problem will be that it soon will be swarming with crazies. Fortunately, the Colorado River can take you from Lake Mead south through the mountains.

Take whatever type of boat suits your family, but as you know, the river can get dodgy in areas, and you may have to pick up your boat to go around rapids and dams. You have a ways ahead of you, so I’d grab a small fishing boat with a small motor. The noise from the motor can drown out your wife’s bitching.

Once on the river you’re going to be looking for any area that can support your family. You’re on a river so you have water taken care of, but look for arable soil and a spot to set up a shelter. Unfortunately, there is no place like that for 60 miles. Bullhead City could be an option, or a bit further south is the Mohave Valley and Needles. Those towns could be safe, but pretty soon you’ll start to see some folks from Vegas coming down the river as you did. When you see a water parade of whores, drunks, showgirls and tigers, it’s time to keep heading down river.

  1. Good stuff. The idea of trying to survive along with the likes of Siegfried and Roy is a horrifying one. Although in that case, I have a feeling one would quickly eat the other.
    I have a situation that’s almost directly opposite the Las Vegas scenario. I’m in Central Maine where there are no huge population areas at all. When the shit hits the fan, do I go Ramboing down toward Boston? Or say the hell with you all and head north into Canada?

  2. Why not just stay where you are, Mark? I can’t think New Brunswick or Quebec would be much different from Maine. Unless of course this is an America-only apocalypse.

  3. You raise a good point. Quebec’s population is a lot bigger than what we’ve got here.
    But I didn’t mean to detract from the Vegas scenario. I just keep thinking about those poor souls trying to survive with Celine Dion singing in the background. Because, you know, she wouldn’t cancel a show for anything.

  4. The only situation i would see Mark needing to leave Maine is in a new ice age. which could be a possibility, depending if this appocalypse theory includes the blocking of the sun or not.

  5. Maine is like a glimpse of an ice age as it is. If things went bad during winter up here, it would be a hell of a struggle. If it’s summer, sure. I’d hunker down, get my wits about me and chart a plan to get somewhere more survivable come winter.

  6. Or mark you could always head south towards smallish citys like bath Brunswick Freeport or topsham. Me myself am staying in Maine and heading to bath, not too big or small and plenty of places to use as shelter and loot.

  7. How the hell do you escape Los Angeles-the shithole of the world?

  8. I believe there is a post for los angeles as well

  9. Hello sorry to detract from this scenario but I cant figure out where to post my question so I will do it here. How does one escape from chicago should I head to Michigan/ Wisconsin?

  10. KLD-

    I don’t actually know the area, but from the maps I’d say by boat up the west shore to someplace like Two Rivers or Manitowoc, Wisconsin. Looks to be a good bit of farmland up there. You wouldn’t have to fight through all the towns and cities between Chicago and farm country.

  11. Lake Mead is on the Colorado River, which would be mostly dry without dams. The dams make a great infrastructural target, or good be other wise destroyed. Prepare tp get very wet, then very dry.

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