The Last Guide You'll Ever Need

Escape From D.C.

In During the Apocalypse on April 17, 2009 at 11:19 am

Chosen Savior,

I am very afraid of the apocalypse coming any day now.  I have been
waiting for it since 1999, however I live in a different city now than
when the millennium came.  Can you help me come up with a new plan?

I live in an apartment building in Washington DC, I have a four door
car and will be traveling solo.  Should I head North or South?

Distraught in the District


The East Coast will be as tough as Europe to survive in, but in the words of Dave Chappel;  D.C.WordThat’s a rough city, man. Never mind the traffic or population density, your biggest problem is being #1 on the bomb list. D.C., along with New York, is the most obvious target for rogue-nations and terrorists alike. Before planning your escape  from D.C., you should really learn how to build a bomb shelter. (Continued…)

Surviving a nuclear attack is a whole different idea, so let’s pretend that whatever the calamity entails, it leaves your city intact. That leaves  5.3 million people in a desperate panic. It’ll be everyone for themselves as they try to secure food and shelter. The law enforcement will collapse and prisons will empty. You won’t want to stick around town, but you won’t be the only one and the highways will be parking lots. Your route for escape is the Potomac.

You’re going to need a boat for this, but that’s not a bad investment. You can get a small motor boat for a few hundred bucks and fish with it until judgment day. I’d recommend a canoe with an outboard motor. It’ll be really light and narrow enough to navigate some rapids.  Make sure it has a motor though, because you’ll be heading upstream.  

You should have no problem getting on the river, just put your boat on your car or get a trailer for it. Load up your canoe with your gear and make like Washington up the Potomac. You will encounter some locks and dams, and some  rapids, but that’s why you’re in a canoe and not a yacht. Just heave it over your head and onto your shoulders and walk around the obstacles.

Where you stop is up to you, but I’d at least head as far as Big Capacon or Paw Paw. Those are decent towns and will be far enough out of the city limits. You could even head a bit further up the Potomac to Little Capacon. It’s not really a town, it’s just a farm. Go knock on that guy’s door, he may let you stay there if you do some work. It’s a big farm so he may need some help in his fields, or he may chase you off with his musket. You guys still use those right?

After you’ve gathered yourself and things have settled, determine the next route to take. Will you rejoin the  rebuilding of society or is the damage too extensive for that? You’ll need to make the decision from there, but being on the river leaves you many options. Upstream to live off the land in the Appalachian mountains? Or downstream to rebuild America?

  1. Thanks man!

  2. Hey; how do you send in these emails? I mean, I can’t find the address to send my own letter. Help would be great, thanks!

  3. Hey Jack, just post your letter here and I’ll respong

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