The Last Guide You'll Ever Need

Escape from Dublin, CA

In Letters on December 4, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Castlegar, British Columbia

Castlegar, British Columbia

Hi Boss,

I live in Dublin, CA 94568. I was hoping you could make good on your promise of an escape route for when the shit hits. It’s just me, my girlfriend and one cat.

Thank you!

After the apocalypse the surviving populace will turn into a ruthless pack of “surviveatanycostevenifIhaveto-fillmytummywithyourteeth” psychos. The good news is that by living in California you’re well adjusted to living around many of these “me first” freakazoids. The bad news is that it’s going to be hard to escape. Or, at least right away. 

This will be one of the harder escapes, so you, my friend, will need a gun.  This is the one situation where you should follow the pack. When it hits everyone will be pulling guns out from under their mattresses or heading to the pawn shop. You better protect that gal of yours and your cat. Oh yeah, you better talk to this girl to make sure she’s on board with your escape plan. You may have everything all ready to go, but if she’s got to head to her place to grab a different purse or her cell-phone charger you’re dead. Make sure she’s ready too. (Continued)

First instinct is usually to head to the border.  Now I’m sure you’re not thinking of heading south to Tijuana. That’s where low-budget filmmakers go to film apocalyptic movies, and the last place you want to be.  I remember going to a beach in Ensenada and having a hard time finding the sand underneath all the broken glass. No, your best bet is to head north. The problem is that everyone else is thinking the same thing. You’re going to have 7.1 million people from the San Francisco bay area crowding the 101 and HWY 5 out of town. Not to mention the other 8 million from LA who are coming up from the south. The key to surviving these first weeks after the apocalypse is to not do what everyone else is doing. Your location calls for a different plan to survive.

Now check the map. Traffic is blocked to the north, the Mexican invasion is to the south and the Pacific is to the west. Unless you can get to a Yacht easily you’ll want to head east.  I’m always against taking highways, but the 580 should be open as no one should be heading to Nevada. Right?

Take 580 east and then get onto hwy 4 take that up into the mountains into a town called White Pines. This is not an ideal location but it looks like the best you’ll do. To the south is Yosemite National park where every idiot will go and to your north is Tahoe where every hedgefunder or snowboarder will go.  White Pines will be certainly be small enough, but you’ll soon run out of resources.

There shouldn’t be too many crazies in White Pines, except you in the eyes of everyone else who lives there. Watch out for shotgun barrels out of mail slots. Once there you can hide out with your gal until much of the population has killed each other for what putrid resources are left. Luckily for you, the people of Oakland and Los Angeles will resort to this much quicker than other areas. I’d still wait a year and then leave on a wet and cold day when there will be less people on the roads. If you havn’t broken up with your girlfriend or fed her to your cat head north.  I’ve placed you quite close to old hwy 395. It’s just north of White Pines. This goes all the way to British Columbia you lucky bastard.

Anyplace in British Columbia will be great. Most towns are encompassed by mountains and there are many rivers good for transportation and drinking. If I were you I’d head to Castlegar, BC. It’s not far across the border. Take 395 N to HWY 3 East until you hit the town of Kinaird. Castlegar is just north of Kinaird. It’s small enough to weed out the crazies, but big enough to support itself. Remember that you more than likely will not be able to stay here very long. Once you’re there, keep a finger to the wind and an ear to the ground. The apocalypse is not a vacation.

Hope that helps,

See You In the Apocalypse,


  1. Thanks for posting this.

    One thing occured to me after I had sent the request for a route, it’s regarding transportation and supplies. We don’t have off road type vehicles. Should we try and steal a SUV from a car lot before we flee? Also, should we try and hit a sporting goods store for supplies/ammo, or will that be a death trap of looting animals?

    Thanks again,


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