The Last Guide You'll Ever Need

Escape from the Twin Cities

In Pre-Apocalypse on October 31, 2008 at 9:15 am
Your New Home Town

Your New Hometown: Baudette

If you’re in the city when it all hits the fan, you’re in trouble. Cities are most dangerous places to be before, during or after an apocalypse. I understand most of you nerds out there are living in the city and will be looking for a way to get the hell out. I can help. Just send me your location and some details (vehicle, family, etc.) and we’ll figure out an escape plan for you. First up is my hometown: Escape from the Twin Cities.

The good thing about the Twin Cities is that it’s the 20th biggest metro area.  Baltimore and Fort Worth Texas are more likely to get attacked.  Also, if someone did want to bomb us, they’d pick the Minneapolis side and they can all go to hell anyway. However, it’s best to be on the safe side so you better have an escape plan and a final destination.

Whether it be a sudden or gradual disaster that sends you running for the hills. Your goal should be to head north. There may be nice farm land south of you,  but you should also try to head to where you think there will be the least amount of people. People at this time will be desperate, sick and unruly. Leave southern Minnesota to the refugees from Des Moines and St. Louis…. (continued)


The main highways are going to be jammed up so don’t even try. Try to get any other type of vehicle besides a car. Scooter, snowmobile, dog-sled, ATV, tandem bicycle, anything but a big car that can slow you down. If you got 8 kids and absolutely need to take a car, then try driving your minivan along side the railway lines to Isanti. The tracks run right north of downtown Minneapolis and then head north. Don’t drive ON the tracks, just drive on that small gravel space along the tracks. The tracks split in Coon Rapids so make sure to stay right.

If that doesn’t work, get on Central ave. on the East side of Minneapolis and take it North. This will eventually turn into state highway 65 which will take you almost up to Hibbing. You’ll have some traffic, but I think it’ll be clear enough to get you out.

Now, where the hell are we going anyway? If you’re thinking of heading to Duluth, remember that Duluth was a top 5 target for the Soviets during the Cold War. It’s true so keep thinking.

You’re best bet is Canada. Of course Canada! The answer to everything. The Northern border between Minnesota and Canada has plenty of fish for food, vacant land and also quite beautiful.

Now don’t be tempted by beauty and head to the North Shore of Lake Superior. That part of Minnesota is too rocky to grow anything and there are almost no fish in Lake Superior due to odd oxidation of the water. The better place is North West of the Twin Cites in a little town called, Baudette.

Baudette has decent farm land, great fishing, and the best hockey team in the state. It’s small enough to not be devastated by a calamity like a big city would and is conveniently situated on the Canadian border in case things get real bad. Also, in case you have trouble with the boarder guard in Baudette, you can borrow a little boat and float up the Rainy River to the Lake of the Woods. Once there you’ll be a needle in a haystack to the Mounties. It’s not such a bad place to wait out the first stages of the apocalypse. The Northlake Cafe has great pie. C’mon in, I’ll probably already be there.

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  1. Survivor,
    Highway 65 turns into a one-lane just past Cambridge (and homicidal deer will be throwing themselves at your car the whole way) so I would say a better idea is to break into a Hummer dealer, steal one of their many, many, many unsold Humvee’s load it up with cheap gas, and drive/crash up to Duluth, then cross into Superior, gather supplies in Ashland, and then disappear into Upper Michigan. You want to talk about remoteness — this place has got almost anywhere else beat. Plus, it’s a much easier naturally defendable area with tall hills and thick woods, unlike the flat plains of Northern Minnesota. You’re always welcome to come and join me and recieve your own fiefdom.
    Future King of Upper Michigan

  2. i live in the Nashville suburbs (the southern side) could you do one for there
    and if you don’t I’ll meet you at the northlake cafe 😉

  3. Dear Apocolyptic Grand Master Savior to the stars,

    I live in shithole Las Vegas. Sure there are bigger, more “targetable” cities in the US, but lets be honest. If you were a terrorist who hates everything that America stands for, why wouldn’t you first look at bombing the “Sin city” where fat, happy tourists abandon their children and blow their life savings on video poker, bad buffets and Celine Dion tickets?

    And speaking of bad buffets, where else in the world is someone more likely to eat bad meat which contains a viral infection that suddenly kills them, but reanimates their body? They’re going to wake up PISSED, and hungry for brains. The zombie uprising will certainly start in Las Vegas.

    So, how in the hell do I survive? Lake Mead? Head west to the sad mountains we have known as “Mount Charleston”? I’ll be traveling with 3 small children, and a horrible, nagging, god awful wife, who will certainly be the first to die.

  4. Hey Brad, you’re right about Vegas. I can’t think of something specific, but really you’re going to want to head to where no one is. If there is a lake nearby in that desert, won’t every crazy be there? Find somewhere else

  5. Mabey a military base brad? yes, i know, this goes against the con- big daddy government helping you thing, but you could perhaps offer your services, and they would take you in, feed you, clothe you.

  6. Nellis AFB is just a hop and a skip away, but there’s 2 problems with that. 1) it’s the same as being in vegas. Any uprising or floating cloud of toxic death will still render the base vulnerable and 2) I really dont see the military opening up the gates to Nellis to let schleprocks come and help out.

    there’s the “test sites” about 50 miles away and Area 51 a ways past that. Neither seem like possibilities.

    Maybe a b-line for the colorado river and head south?

  7. I live in Boise, Idaho. May not seem like much of a target, but id like to know what the hell im gonna do if this comes my way

  8. I live in Louisville, KY. There are 5 or 6 of us, what would u suggest? We have a small fishin boat and a large camper, would u suggest takin these or leavin them behind?

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