I’ve noticed over the past year or two a growing interest in Zombies. Films, books, comics, websites, festivals, pub crawls, etc. On our public radio station last week, a doctor was discussing zombies and classifying their behavior in medical terms. He was going over what was possibly damaged in their brain and what could cause their desire for flesh. Hey! Listen up, there’s no such thing as zombies. (Continued…)

I know that offends some of you apocalypse survivalists. You’re looking forward to a zombie apocalypse because it looks pretty sweet blowing away zombies with a sawed-off shotgun. Well tough guy, if your survival gear includes a shit load of guns, grenades, land mines and a battle axe, you’ll be disappointed, and you’ll be dead. 

Like I’ve said, guns are important, but it’s not the whole pair o shoes. I have people email me everyday like this, 

Ok what am I missing? I have ( takes a deep breath) Weapons- sawed off pump shot gun, Scoped pellet rifle. machete, two steel handled axes, tons of knives hatchets ect. a few old school hand tools. (Hand crank drill, saw ect. Bow, Soon to make a cross bow. hand made blow gun. Home made wood stove, My problem is I live in a trailer park in Ky. While my safe house and apocalypse colony live in Mi. any suggestions?

Well buddy, nice work on gathering the gear, but did you think about what you’re going to eat? You can loot  SuperAmericas for only so long. 

The world certainly won’t be friendly. More people will die after the apocalypse than from the actual calamity, and many at the hands of each other.  People will be desperate to survive and will kill you for your gear with out a second thought. So go ahead and pack that gun or your hand made blown gun, but I guarantee you’ll be more concerned about what you’re going to eat than finding a zombie to hit in the head with a banjo.

I got the pig flu last week. 103.5 degree fever with chills. Is that it? That’s what we’ve been hiding under the bed for?

I think we’ll all be ok.

First some slightly dated news. It looks like a drug resistant strain of h1n1 has shown up (that’s bad), however this the guy who got it fully recovered, which demonstrates the evidence that this virus probably will not be that deadly (that’s good). However the last I heard is that we will not really know just how bad it is until the fall (when flu season hits again).

Second, something a little lighter, the following is an audio clip I heard a while ago on NPR. It is a short bit of audio from an announce by Dr. Margaret Chan, the head of the WHO.

I did not do anything to modify the sound clip, her voice sounded that creepy on the radio, it really made me wonder if they didn’t set it up like that for maximum effect.

Anyway, if you are reading this blog, odds are you are well informed enough to know this is old news.

I’m pointing it out because of how funny/creepy this audio clip sounds. It sounds like it could be right out of 12 Monkeys or 28 Days Later. I’m not sure it really “means” anything yet, just think of this post as a sort of “audio clip” that might carry more significance in the future.

Don’t Cup Your Hands: The Cheapest and Best Water Bottle for the Apocalypse

Water is possibly the most necessary thing you will need in a post-apocalyptic world. Why? Because, dum-dum, water is the body’s principle component and it makes up somewhere between 60 and 70% of our body’s weight. Without water lubing up our various systems, the body can begin to break down and damage itself. Toxins aren’t cleaned out, nutrients aren’t carried to vital cells, and you can begin to dehydrate, all of which saps you of precious energy.

So you’ll need to carry around a decent amount of water at all times. But what’s the best way to do it? I went to low-end retail stores, bought various water bottles, jugs, and canteens and will give you a rating so you can make your own decisions.

1. El Cheapo – this thing looks like a light-blue gallon jug with a nozzle top. That’s because that’s all it is. While this model only costs about two bucks and holds the greatest amount of water, the thin plastic easily dings, cracks, and is a real pain to clean out. Rating: ♠♠
2. Desert Canteen – The most stylish of all the drinking apparatuses I have tried, the desert canteen is a more durable, two quart plastic jug lined with canvas and rimmed with some kind of extra thick aluminum foil. The “metal” will bend irreparably out of shape the first time you drop it from a foot’s height, but the jug will then comically rock as the contents slosh back and forth. But what do you really expect for 6 dollars? Also I could see this one almost double as a kind of concussive weapon, but the screw top gets VERY dirty and some kind of fuzzy mold started to grow in mine. Rating: ♠♠♠
3. 3) The Bota Bag – Going to Burning Man? Bring this along! Trying to survive the final ride of the four horsemen? Better leave it at home. The bota bag, or wine skin, resembles a small suede stomach; it is really nothing more than a plastic bad with a bit of leather for protection. You can forget about cleaning it – that is unless you go out and buy special soluble cleaners (like those made for CamelBaks – gross rip off ). Also, my bota bag said it filled to 1 liter, which was an outrageous lie. It filled to about 600 mL, but water pressure wasn’t enough to fully fill the bag. Plus you’ll look like a hippie, a hippie that can afford an $8 plastic bag, i.e. a dumb hippie. Skip this one and make your own out of a dead cow’s udder. Rating: ♠
4. The “Nalgene” – while probably the most eco-conscience of the list, the Nalgene is probably the most common water-drinking device in the market, being that it only costs between 10 and 12 dollars. It has a hard durable construction, a large, easily accessible mouth (go for the wide mouth 32 ounce model), and is marketed as being “indestructible.” While that is close to the truth, remember any time you fill a non-porous object with water, freeze it (water expands when frozen), and then shoot it with a shotgun… well, you’ll be picking out the pieces of that puppy from your hair for weeks. However with that said, it is fairly easy to clean and can carry a significant amount of water. Flavored beverages (like tea or tang) tend to leech out their flavors into the plastic, so you taste it sometimes even after you’ve cleaned it. And don’t these things give you cancer or something? Who cares, it’s the apocalypse. If the cancer don’t kill you, the guy in the hockey mask probably will. Rating: ♠♠♠♠Nalgene also makes collapsible canteens, a reinforced plastic pouch, in varying sizes, up to a whopping 96 ounces. Not a bad second option.
5. Cold Steel – My final purchase was a stainless steel water bottle, similar in size and shape to the “Nalgene,” which makes it’s own stainless versions for 27 dollars. I paid 12 for my generic version. It is great. Same wide mouth, very durable material (I dropped mine on a concrete floor and only put the tiniest of dents in it), and it looks like you’re drinking out of something from a reactor core. What’s probably the best idea about investing in this for a survivor on the go is the fact that it’s made of metal. You can get any water, set the water bottle in your campfire, boil it and kill harmful bacteria. People with Nalgene’s can do that, and while they’re cramped up with Giardia, you can go scavenge some more with your thirst quenched. Rating: ♠♠♠♠♠

Guest Post By: The Future King of Upper Michigan 

Check your pockets right now.  Chances are, you might have some funny colored paper with dead peoples faces on it, and maybe some jingly pieces of semi-precious metal. Do you know what those will be worth after the collapse of society? Nothing. So in this new world, with a barter economy, you’re going to need some things worth trading; and no, your grandmother’s jewelry won’t do the trick.  After the collapse, gold and silver become just shiny, soft metals, so pawn that now and buy something that could be useful.  What will become the new currency?  We have compiled a helpful list of some possibilities. (continued)  

• AMMUNITION:  Humorist Mark Twain once said, “The human race only has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”  Well, a close second is a gun.  A firearm is only useful when loaded. Ammunition will become incredibly rare, highly desired and expensive.  Those who have weapons will need ammunition to stay in control; those with ammunition can control them. Just imagine you meet up with a commune of people, by trading a box of shotgun shells, you’ve not only gained respect and admiration, you’ve ensured survival of the group and now can probably join up (remember there’s something to be said for safety in numbers).  Just be careful who you give bullets to… probably not wise to give them to someone who will turn around and use them on you.
• GASOLINE:  Remember the Smokers, controlled by a one-eyed Dennis Hopper, in Waterworld?  Well the only reason that the Smokers had control was because of their rich supply of oil inside a wrecked Exxon Valdez.  Gasoline means combustion engines, machinery, heat and light from lanterns.  Those who are left out there will covet anything that provide heat or make their motors run .
• CIGARETTES: Once Salem-Winston and Phillip Morris go down, there are going to be a lot of post-apocalyptians with a major case of the nic-fits.  A pack of smokes may just save your life.
• SPICES:  Not too far back in our history, spices were worth their weight and more in gold.  Egyptians were buried with their spices.  Roman soldiers used to be paid in salt.  Trust me, once you’ve eaten nothing but moldy apples and bone marrow for a month, something along the lines of pepper, paprika, or even tarragon is going to blow your mind.  My money is on this one becoming a dominant currency; so when the excrement hits the air conditioning, I’m raiding the Penzey’s with my bolt-cutters.
• ANTIBIOTICS:  Infection and disease are going to be the big killers after society collapses.  As bacteria grow increasingly resistant and proper hygiene becomes harder to maintain, a handful of penicillin or sulfamethoxazole is going to be a great advantage over the person munching Flinstone Vitamins.
• SEEDS:  being able to grow something might be a luxury in the new world order, but I’m sure there will be those who hide away, wanting to create some pastoral sense of peace.  Give them your pumpkin seeds in exchange for rock-climbing equipment… and you win.
• KNOWLEDGE and SKILLS:  The most valuable items you have to trade are your abilities.  Being able to fix small motors, start fires, navigate using the stars, or even knowing how to create and use simple machines will give you an edge.  So what if you were an English or history major?  As esoteric as these fields may be, you still have something useful to contribute… hopefully.  If your skils include setting up meetings in Outlook or cutting coupons, it’s time to get a new hobby.

The trailer for the Apocalyptic gut wrencher/tear jerker has been released. If you want to  get a glimpse of how dificult it will be to survive in the post-apocatlyptic world, read this book and then watch this film.

The trailer makes it look like a summer popcorn zombie flick, but Esquire magazine has seen it and promise the film is just as bleak and remose as the book. (Continued)

A gun should be at the top of your survival list, unless of course you’re an idiot. If you have only seen guns in movies, you should not get a gun.  I imagine many of you knuckleheads buying a pistol, that you insist on calling a “glock,” and holding it at an angle while you try to remember Bustas’ lines from Higher Learning. (Continued…)

The, first and obvious issue here is safety.  If you have only seen guns in movies and you try to spin the pistol like a damn cowboy, there’s a good chance you will meet disaster by your own hand. We saw what happend to Plaxico Burress, but he was in New York City and could have walked to the hospital. If that happend after the Apocalypse, Plax would lose more than his game check.

Second, having a gun will make you over confident. For instance, if you manage to get your hands on a nice assault rifle, maybe a FN SCAR and a whole bunch ammo, you are going to start feeling pretty good about your chances of survival. You may start walking out in the open, humming Mama Mia while waving to the cannibals on the street. You will be tempted to let your guard down. Over confidence is far more dangerous then not having a gun.

Having a gun also makes you a bigger threat to fellow survivors who may not realize you have your heart in the right place. If they see you first and see you are packing heat, a peaceful greeting may seem far too risky. Taking you out, and taking your gun may very well strike them as the best course of action.

The third reason is maintenance. If you do not know how to take care of a gun and it’s ammo, you will be carrying around a lot of heavy metal that is all too likely to let you down when you need it most.

Finally, having a gun may give you an itchy trigger finger. You may think you’re a tough guy, and dream of bustin’ a cap. But if we’re talking about Higher Learning quotes, remember Cole Hauser’s line, “Shut the f*** up Remy, You ever shot anything? Better yet, you ever shoot a piece of meat? Seen what bullets do to flesh?” Killing is no joke, even in the Apocalypse. 

If you know nothing about guns, or have only shot a one in a video game, I would still recommend buying one, but take it seriously. Learn how to take care of it and how to stay safe around one. A gun is a powerful tool, but in the hands of an idiot, it is a dangerous one.

[update] The Homeland Security Secretary has declared the Pig Flu to be bull shit. You all have more time to prepare for the apocalypse.

The World Health Organization has raised its pandemic alert for swine flu to the second highest level, meaning that it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent.

Don’t run for the hills yet, but the doomsday clock is starting to move. Too bad, my book hasn’t even come out yet.

Bird flu, SARS, killer bees, anthrax, Y2K and now Pig Flu. We just don’t know what to be afraid of anymore!  Better watch the news (and all the intermittent ads) to be sure you’re safe.

I really believe this swine mania will pass with a week, but there is a chance it could get ugly. So far, those with proper medical attention and healthy immune systems have recovered. However, when a virus is able to jump from an animal to a person and then from person to person  it can mutate, making it harder to treat or fight off. 

So, let this serve as a warning if you’re not currently ready for a pandemic. At the very least, stock pile some medication and canned goods. (Fruits, veggies and carbohydrates) Also fill up at least 10 gallon jugs of water and put them in your basement. 

Remember, don’t be afraid, be prepared.

Chosen Savior,

I am very afraid of the apocalypse coming any day now.  I have been
waiting for it since 1999, however I live in a different city now than
when the millennium came.  Can you help me come up with a new plan?

I live in an apartment building in Washington DC, I have a four door
car and will be traveling solo.  Should I head North or South?

Yours,
Distraught in the District

The East Coast will be as tough as Europe to survive in, but in the words of Dave Chappel;  D.C.? Word. That’s a rough city, man. Never mind the traffic or population density, your biggest problem is being #1 on the bomb list. D.C., along with New York, is the most obvious target for rogue-nations and terrorists alike. Before planning your escape  from D.C., you should really learn how to build a bomb shelter. (Continued…)

Surviving a nuclear attack is a whole different idea, so let’s pretend that whatever the calamity entails, it leaves your city intact. That leaves  5.3 million people in a desperate panic. It’ll be everyone for themselves as they try to secure food and shelter. The law enforcement will collapse and prisons will empty. You won’t want to stick around town, but you won’t be the only one and the highways will be parking lots. Your route for escape is the Potomac.

You’re going to need a boat for this, but that’s not a bad investment. You can get a small motor boat for a few hundred bucks and fish with it until judgment day. I’d recommend a canoe with an outboard motor. It’ll be really light and narrow enough to navigate some rapids.  Make sure it has a motor though, because you’ll be heading upstream.  

You should have no problem getting on the river, just put your boat on your car or get a trailer for it. Load up your canoe with your gear and make like Washington up the Potomac. You will encounter some locks and dams, and some  rapids, but that’s why you’re in a canoe and not a yacht. Just heave it over your head and onto your shoulders and walk around the obstacles.

Where you stop is up to you, but I’d at least head as far as Big Capacon or Paw Paw. Those are decent towns and will be far enough out of the city limits. You could even head a bit further up the Potomac to Little Capacon. It’s not really a town, it’s just a farm. Go knock on that guy’s door, he may let you stay there if you do some work. It’s a big farm so he may need some help in his fields, or he may chase you off with his musket. You guys still use those right?

After you’ve gathered yourself and things have settled, determine the next route to take. Will you rejoin the  rebuilding of society or is the damage too extensive for that? You’ll need to make the decision from there, but being on the river leaves you many options. Upstream to live off the land in the Appalachian mountains? Or downstream to rebuild America?