Nearly all apocalypse scenarios will involve our public works shutting down leaving us without water, gas or electricity. So if you’re a freeze baby and like to set that thermostat at 72, you better learn to chop a lot of wood.

In the days after the apocalypse, I envision a lot cold people huddling together trying to stay warm. They’ll be burning their trash and scavenging for twigs and branches. Trees in our city parks will soon fall to make firewood, but when it comes down to burning this wood, most will struggle. (Continued..)

If an unsplit log is thicker than your wrist, it will be hard to burn because of the bark that surrounds the wood. The bark obviously doesn’t protect the wood from fire, but it does help keep the moisture inside the tree, and water doesn’t go so well with fire. To get a log to burn, you’ll need to split it so that the inside can dry out.

To split wood you’ll need an axe, hammer and maul. There are mauls with or without handles, get whatever one is suitable for you. If you plan on roaming the wasteland, you would want a handless one, or you may want to skip the maul, because they are fairly heavy.

First take your log and center your maul in the middle of that baby and start pounding it through the log with a hammer. It’ll split, and soon you’ll have two halves. This will dry out in about a year, but I imagine you are cold now, so you’ll need to split that thing down to more manageable pieces. If you’re going to burn the wood immediately, cut the wood into pieces the size of your wrist. The smaller the wood pieces, the fiercer the flame and the hotter the fire. To do that you’ll need your axe.

I know you think you’re a tough lumber jack sort, but cutting wood is really easy to do wrong, and your arrogance will deteriorate when your wood won’t split, and you’ve busted the axe head off your handle. A couple things about cutting wood.

• If you’re sedentary, get a long handle axe, they provide more power so you don’t have to.
• Make sure your blade is sharp
• Birch is the easiest to split, so if you’re struggling try that.
• Look for knots in the wood. Even Paul Bunyan will curse if he tries to split wood over a knot.
• If the wood is wet it will be harder to split.
• If you’re struggling, try taking off smaller pieces, instead of splitting it in half.

To cut the piece, place it on a wide cutting block, or stand it upright and lay another log on it’s side in front. This will keep your wood from falling over, and also will protect the blade, and your foot, if you miss.

Now stand with your feet apart and line your axe blade up with the wood. Remember, you’ll always over shoot where you aim, so it’s important that that you line up the axe about an inch closer to you. If you over shoot the log, your axe handle will come down on the wood and could break the blade off.

Once you’ve got it lined up, bring the axe above your head and swing it straight down upon the wood. If you didn’t get through the wood all the way, it’s because you’re a weakling. Try using more of your body strength. Your power is going to come from your legs and shoulders. When you come down on the wood, bend your knees so that the strength and weight of your body is transferred to the axe. Don’t try to cut wood with just your arms. If the blade gets stuck, use your hammer and pound it through the rest of the way.

Remember to keep that wood dry. If you will be traveling, I recommend keeping about eight small pieces of wood in your pack, as well as some birch bark. This will ensure access to dry wood even if it rains. Camp fires aren’t for smores anymore, your life depends on it.

I have just recently been thinking about my supply and what to do and so on. … I know that community will evolve in my town, what worries me about that is the religious lunatics that will make us a danger to our survival. … i don’t own a gun, being 14 and with a mother who dosen’t trust me with one. I have two dogs, one that will probably become food when rations get low, and one that will help with hunting and scavenging…. Also, my neighbor closest to me is a firefighter, he has several safes with ALOT of guns and ammo, so looting his house is a definite possibility. I do not plan on staying in my house, i have considered barricading in my high school, and going to the band room, only room with two exits, and only room that you can go out the window and on to the roof…. Thank you, Rebel

Thanks for the letter Rebel, you ask some good questions about surviving the Apocalypse, but the one I had not thought of before was, “What do I do if I’m 14!”

The first rule of Surviving the Apocalypse is to get out of urban areas. You’re right, there will be crazies and you’re not going to want to hang around to see what crazy cults they form. The problem is, your mom’s got the car keys and she won’t pack you a bag lunch.

Your parents are going to have you on a tight leash and if they don’t head out of town, you probably should bunker down somewhere. Your band room sounds fine, but think about more than fortifications. Does it have access to water? Can you get rid of your shit and piss? Will you be able to build a fire in there to cook? How many rations can you carry? Think about how you’re going to stay alive. If you’re going to survive this thing it’s because you outlasted the zealots. Remember, in a global apocalypse, 50% of people will die within the first month, most from hunger.

Sorry to hear about the gun situation too. I can’t say I blame her for not trusting you, you’re already dreaming up how to eat your dog.  Too bad though, because it’ll be hard to protect yourself in that band room with a saxophone.  I’m not going to recommend taking anything from your neighbor either, that’s up to you. You can save up and buy one, or hey, put it on your Christmas list! Just don’t shoot your eye out kid.

A ton of people have written me about Fallout 3, which is a post-apocalyptic-mutant-shoot’em-up-role-playing-survival game. The premise is the world has been nuked to all hell and people have survived by living in vaults. Your character was born in the vault and soon enough you leave and discover an apocalyptic wasteland full of crazy humans, mutants, guns and junk. “Sounds interesting.” I’d say, “but I’m no gamer, I know I’d just get addicted to something like that.”  Well last week I tried it out and nobody has seen me for three days.

I’m not going to review this game, and I’m certainly not going to suggest that this game will prepare you for the apocalypse. Nothing could prepare you for that, but overall the game does a good job of showing just what a wasteland the earth could become. It’s full of trash, abandoned buildings, slave traders and sickos. It’s also good because even though it’s a violent game, but more time in the game is spent sifting through old soup cans for food  than shooting anyone.

 It also brings up the issue of what you will do to survive. Will you eat radioactive easy-mac? Will you kill for supplies? Will you drink from a toilet? Will you drink the blood of a mole-rat, or better yet another human? These are everyday options in the game, and will be after the apocalypse. 

So before I get any more of you nerds excited by talking about role-playing games, I’m going to end this by saying, HOW THE HELL DO I GET PAST THE SLAVERS!

I’ve noticed over the past year or two a growing interest in Zombies. Films, books, comics, websites, festivals, pub crawls, etc. On our public radio station last week, a doctor was discussing zombies and classifying their behavior in medical terms. He was going over what was possibly damaged in their brain and what could cause their desire for flesh. Hey! Listen up, there’s no such thing as zombies. (Continued…)

I know that offends some of you apocalypse survivalists. You’re looking forward to a zombie apocalypse because it looks pretty sweet blowing away zombies with a sawed-off shotgun. Well tough guy, if your survival gear includes a shit load of guns, grenades, land mines and a battle axe, you’ll be disappointed, and you’ll be dead. 

Like I’ve said, guns are important, but it’s not the whole pair o shoes. I have people email me everyday like this, 

Ok what am I missing? I have ( takes a deep breath) Weapons- sawed off pump shot gun, Scoped pellet rifle. machete, two steel handled axes, tons of knives hatchets ect. a few old school hand tools. (Hand crank drill, saw ect. Bow, Soon to make a cross bow. hand made blow gun. Home made wood stove, My problem is I live in a trailer park in Ky. While my safe house and apocalypse colony live in Mi. any suggestions?

Well buddy, nice work on gathering the gear, but did you think about what you’re going to eat? You can loot  SuperAmericas for only so long. 

The world certainly won’t be friendly. More people will die after the apocalypse than from the actual calamity, and many at the hands of each other.  People will be desperate to survive and will kill you for your gear with out a second thought. So go ahead and pack that gun or your hand made blown gun, but I guarantee you’ll be more concerned about what you’re going to eat than finding a zombie to hit in the head with a banjo.

I got the pig flu last week. 103.5 degree fever with chills. Is that it? That’s what we’ve been hiding under the bed for?

I think we’ll all be ok.

First some slightly dated news. It looks like a drug resistant strain of h1n1 has shown up (that’s bad), however this the guy who got it fully recovered, which demonstrates the evidence that this virus probably will not be that deadly (that’s good). However the last I heard is that we will not really know just how bad it is until the fall (when flu season hits again).

Second, something a little lighter, the following is an audio clip I heard a while ago on NPR. It is a short bit of audio from an announce by Dr. Margaret Chan, the head of the WHO.

I did not do anything to modify the sound clip, her voice sounded that creepy on the radio, it really made me wonder if they didn’t set it up like that for maximum effect.

Anyway, if you are reading this blog, odds are you are well informed enough to know this is old news.

I’m pointing it out because of how funny/creepy this audio clip sounds. It sounds like it could be right out of 12 Monkeys or 28 Days Later. I’m not sure it really “means” anything yet, just think of this post as a sort of “audio clip” that might carry more significance in the future.

Don’t Cup Your Hands: The Cheapest and Best Water Bottle for the Apocalypse

Water is possibly the most necessary thing you will need in a post-apocalyptic world. Why? Because, dum-dum, water is the body’s principle component and it makes up somewhere between 60 and 70% of our body’s weight. Without water lubing up our various systems, the body can begin to break down and damage itself. Toxins aren’t cleaned out, nutrients aren’t carried to vital cells, and you can begin to dehydrate, all of which saps you of precious energy.

So you’ll need to carry around a decent amount of water at all times. But what’s the best way to do it? I went to low-end retail stores, bought various water bottles, jugs, and canteens and will give you a rating so you can make your own decisions.

1. El Cheapo – this thing looks like a light-blue gallon jug with a nozzle top. That’s because that’s all it is. While this model only costs about two bucks and holds the greatest amount of water, the thin plastic easily dings, cracks, and is a real pain to clean out. Rating: ♠♠
2. Desert Canteen – The most stylish of all the drinking apparatuses I have tried, the desert canteen is a more durable, two quart plastic jug lined with canvas and rimmed with some kind of extra thick aluminum foil. The “metal” will bend irreparably out of shape the first time you drop it from a foot’s height, but the jug will then comically rock as the contents slosh back and forth. But what do you really expect for 6 dollars? Also I could see this one almost double as a kind of concussive weapon, but the screw top gets VERY dirty and some kind of fuzzy mold started to grow in mine. Rating: ♠♠♠
3. 3) The Bota Bag – Going to Burning Man? Bring this along! Trying to survive the final ride of the four horsemen? Better leave it at home. The bota bag, or wine skin, resembles a small suede stomach; it is really nothing more than a plastic bad with a bit of leather for protection. You can forget about cleaning it – that is unless you go out and buy special soluble cleaners (like those made for CamelBaks – gross rip off ). Also, my bota bag said it filled to 1 liter, which was an outrageous lie. It filled to about 600 mL, but water pressure wasn’t enough to fully fill the bag. Plus you’ll look like a hippie, a hippie that can afford an $8 plastic bag, i.e. a dumb hippie. Skip this one and make your own out of a dead cow’s udder. Rating: ♠
4. The “Nalgene” – while probably the most eco-conscience of the list, the Nalgene is probably the most common water-drinking device in the market, being that it only costs between 10 and 12 dollars. It has a hard durable construction, a large, easily accessible mouth (go for the wide mouth 32 ounce model), and is marketed as being “indestructible.” While that is close to the truth, remember any time you fill a non-porous object with water, freeze it (water expands when frozen), and then shoot it with a shotgun… well, you’ll be picking out the pieces of that puppy from your hair for weeks. However with that said, it is fairly easy to clean and can carry a significant amount of water. Flavored beverages (like tea or tang) tend to leech out their flavors into the plastic, so you taste it sometimes even after you’ve cleaned it. And don’t these things give you cancer or something? Who cares, it’s the apocalypse. If the cancer don’t kill you, the guy in the hockey mask probably will. Rating: ♠♠♠♠Nalgene also makes collapsible canteens, a reinforced plastic pouch, in varying sizes, up to a whopping 96 ounces. Not a bad second option.
5. Cold Steel – My final purchase was a stainless steel water bottle, similar in size and shape to the “Nalgene,” which makes it’s own stainless versions for 27 dollars. I paid 12 for my generic version. It is great. Same wide mouth, very durable material (I dropped mine on a concrete floor and only put the tiniest of dents in it), and it looks like you’re drinking out of something from a reactor core. What’s probably the best idea about investing in this for a survivor on the go is the fact that it’s made of metal. You can get any water, set the water bottle in your campfire, boil it and kill harmful bacteria. People with Nalgene’s can do that, and while they’re cramped up with Giardia, you can go scavenge some more with your thirst quenched. Rating: ♠♠♠♠♠

Guest Post By: The Future King of Upper Michigan 

Check your pockets right now.  Chances are, you might have some funny colored paper with dead peoples faces on it, and maybe some jingly pieces of semi-precious metal. Do you know what those will be worth after the collapse of society? Nothing. So in this new world, with a barter economy, you’re going to need some things worth trading; and no, your grandmother’s jewelry won’t do the trick.  After the collapse, gold and silver become just shiny, soft metals, so pawn that now and buy something that could be useful.  What will become the new currency?  We have compiled a helpful list of some possibilities. (continued)  

• AMMUNITION:  Humorist Mark Twain once said, “The human race only has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”  Well, a close second is a gun.  A firearm is only useful when loaded. Ammunition will become incredibly rare, highly desired and expensive.  Those who have weapons will need ammunition to stay in control; those with ammunition can control them. Just imagine you meet up with a commune of people, by trading a box of shotgun shells, you’ve not only gained respect and admiration, you’ve ensured survival of the group and now can probably join up (remember there’s something to be said for safety in numbers).  Just be careful who you give bullets to… probably not wise to give them to someone who will turn around and use them on you.
• GASOLINE:  Remember the Smokers, controlled by a one-eyed Dennis Hopper, in Waterworld?  Well the only reason that the Smokers had control was because of their rich supply of oil inside a wrecked Exxon Valdez.  Gasoline means combustion engines, machinery, heat and light from lanterns.  Those who are left out there will covet anything that provide heat or make their motors run .
• CIGARETTES: Once Salem-Winston and Phillip Morris go down, there are going to be a lot of post-apocalyptians with a major case of the nic-fits.  A pack of smokes may just save your life.
• SPICES:  Not too far back in our history, spices were worth their weight and more in gold.  Egyptians were buried with their spices.  Roman soldiers used to be paid in salt.  Trust me, once you’ve eaten nothing but moldy apples and bone marrow for a month, something along the lines of pepper, paprika, or even tarragon is going to blow your mind.  My money is on this one becoming a dominant currency; so when the excrement hits the air conditioning, I’m raiding the Penzey’s with my bolt-cutters.
• ANTIBIOTICS:  Infection and disease are going to be the big killers after society collapses.  As bacteria grow increasingly resistant and proper hygiene becomes harder to maintain, a handful of penicillin or sulfamethoxazole is going to be a great advantage over the person munching Flinstone Vitamins.
• SEEDS:  being able to grow something might be a luxury in the new world order, but I’m sure there will be those who hide away, wanting to create some pastoral sense of peace.  Give them your pumpkin seeds in exchange for rock-climbing equipment… and you win.
• KNOWLEDGE and SKILLS:  The most valuable items you have to trade are your abilities.  Being able to fix small motors, start fires, navigate using the stars, or even knowing how to create and use simple machines will give you an edge.  So what if you were an English or history major?  As esoteric as these fields may be, you still have something useful to contribute… hopefully.  If your skils include setting up meetings in Outlook or cutting coupons, it’s time to get a new hobby.

The trailer for the Apocalyptic gut wrencher/tear jerker has been released. If you want to  get a glimpse of how dificult it will be to survive in the post-apocatlyptic world, read this book and then watch this film.

The trailer makes it look like a summer popcorn zombie flick, but Esquire magazine has seen it and promise the film is just as bleak and remose as the book. (Continued)

A gun should be at the top of your survival list, unless of course you’re an idiot. If you have only seen guns in movies, you should not get a gun.  I imagine many of you knuckleheads buying a pistol, that you insist on calling a “glock,” and holding it at an angle while you try to remember Bustas’ lines from Higher Learning. (Continued…)

The, first and obvious issue here is safety.  If you have only seen guns in movies and you try to spin the pistol like a damn cowboy, there’s a good chance you will meet disaster by your own hand. We saw what happend to Plaxico Burress, but he was in New York City and could have walked to the hospital. If that happend after the Apocalypse, Plax would lose more than his game check.

Second, having a gun will make you over confident. For instance, if you manage to get your hands on a nice assault rifle, maybe a FN SCAR and a whole bunch ammo, you are going to start feeling pretty good about your chances of survival. You may start walking out in the open, humming Mama Mia while waving to the cannibals on the street. You will be tempted to let your guard down. Over confidence is far more dangerous then not having a gun.

Having a gun also makes you a bigger threat to fellow survivors who may not realize you have your heart in the right place. If they see you first and see you are packing heat, a peaceful greeting may seem far too risky. Taking you out, and taking your gun may very well strike them as the best course of action.

The third reason is maintenance. If you do not know how to take care of a gun and it’s ammo, you will be carrying around a lot of heavy metal that is all too likely to let you down when you need it most.

Finally, having a gun may give you an itchy trigger finger. You may think you’re a tough guy, and dream of bustin’ a cap. But if we’re talking about Higher Learning quotes, remember Cole Hauser’s line, “Shut the f*** up Remy, You ever shot anything? Better yet, you ever shoot a piece of meat? Seen what bullets do to flesh?” Killing is no joke, even in the Apocalypse. 

If you know nothing about guns, or have only shot a one in a video game, I would still recommend buying one, but take it seriously. Learn how to take care of it and how to stay safe around one. A gun is a powerful tool, but in the hands of an idiot, it is a dangerous one.