Escape from the Twin Cities

Your New Hometown: Baudette

If you’re in the city when it all hits the fan, you’re in trouble. Cities are most dangerous places to be before, during or after an apocalypse. I understand most of you nerds out there are living in the city and will be looking for a way to get the hell out. I can help. Just send me your location and some details (vehicle, family, etc.) and we’ll figure out an escape plan for you. First up is my hometown: Escape from the Twin Cities.

The good thing about the Twin Cities is that it’s the 20th biggest metro area.  Baltimore and Fort Worth Texas are more likely to get attacked.  Also, if someone did want to bomb us, they’d pick the Minneapolis side and they can all go to hell anyway. However, it’s best to be on the safe side so you better have an escape plan and a final destination.

Whether it be a sudden or gradual disaster that sends you running for the hills. Your goal should be to head north. There may be nice farm land south of you,  but you should also try to head to where you think there will be the least amount of people. People at this time will be desperate, sick and unruly. Leave southern Minnesota to the refugees from Des Moines and St. Louis…. (continued)

The main highways are going to be jammed up so don’t even try. Try to get any other type of vehicle besides a car. Scooter, snowmobile, dog-sled, ATV, tandem bicycle, anything but a big car that can slow you down. If you got 8 kids and absolutely need to take a car, then try driving your minivan along side the railway lines to Isanti. The tracks run right north of downtown Minneapolis and then head north. Don’t drive ON the tracks, just drive on that small gravel space along the tracks. The tracks split in Coon Rapids so make sure to stay right.

If that doesn’t work, get on Central ave. on the East side of Minneapolis and take it North. This will eventually turn into state highway 65 which will take you almost up to Hibbing. You’ll have some traffic, but I think it’ll be clear enough to get you out.

Now, where the hell are we going anyway? If you’re thinking of heading to Duluth, remember that Duluth was a top 5 target for the Soviets during the Cold War. It’s true so keep thinking.

You’re best bet is Canada. Of course Canada! The answer to everything. The Northern border between Minnesota and Canada has plenty of fish for food, vacant land and also quite beautiful.

Now don’t be tempted by beauty and head to the North Shore of Lake Superior. That part of Minnesota is too rocky to grow anything and there are almost no fish in Lake Superior due to odd oxidation of the water. The better place is North West of the Twin Cites in a little town called, Baudette.

Baudette has decent farm land, great fishing, and the best hockey team in the state. It’s small enough to not be devastated by a calamity like a big city would and is conveniently situated on the Canadian border in case things get real bad. Also, in case you have trouble with the boarder guard in Baudette, you can borrow a little boat and float up the Rainy River to the Lake of the Woods. Once there you’ll be a needle in a haystack to the Mounties. It’s not such a bad place to wait out the first stages of the apocalypse. The Northlake Cafe has great pie. C’mon in, I’ll probably already be there.