Escape from the Twin Cities

Your New Hometown: Baudette

If you’re in the city when it all hits the fan, you’re in trouble. Cities are most dangerous places to be before, during or after an apocalypse. I understand most of you nerds out there are living in the city and will be looking for a way to get the hell out. I can help. Just send me your location and some details (vehicle, family, etc.) and we’ll figure out an escape plan for you. First up is my hometown: Escape from the Twin Cities.

The good thing about the Twin Cities is that it’s the 20th biggest metro area.  Baltimore and Fort Worth Texas are more likely to get attacked.  Also, if someone did want to bomb us, they’d pick the Minneapolis side and they can all go to hell anyway. However, it’s best to be on the safe side so you better have an escape plan and a final destination.

Whether it be a sudden or gradual disaster that sends you running for the hills. Your goal should be to head north. There may be nice farm land south of you,  but you should also try to head to where you think there will be the least amount of people. People at this time will be desperate, sick and unruly. Leave southern Minnesota to the refugees from Des Moines and St. Louis…. (continued)

Make Your Own Biodiesel

To survive the apocalypse you may find your self trekking across the wasted world, looking for safety, possibly held up on a farm trying rebuild some semblance of society. In many circumstances you will want to make the best use of whatever combustion engines you can find. They’ll be plenty of rusted out cars out there, but no gas. Get a leg up on those freakazoid cannibals by filling up your Mad Max machine with biodiesel.

You maybe able to scavenge traditional gas or diesel. However, it would probably be prudent to have a working knowledge of making your own biodiesel. “Biodiesel!” You say, “Isn’t that just for hippies?” Yes, but if they are the only ones who know how to make it, then the post-apocalyptic world will be run by hippies. That’s scarier than freakazoid cannibals. Think of Mad Max in a VW bus… (continued)

Letter: Future King of Upper Michigan

Dear Survivor,
What do you recommend for non-food hunting armaments? Should I also invest in a samurai sword, a solid Louisville Slugger, or a Bowie Knife for more person interactions with future post-apocalypitans?
Seriously,
The Future King of Upper Michigan

It seems like you’ve been watching too many zombie movies, but your concern is not unwarranted. There will be some freakos out there, especially right away. When society collapses it will immediately be every man for himself. Those that are unprepared will partake in the worst cruelty in order to survive. These people will essentially be your “zombies.” Theft, murder and eventually cannibalism will be their way of life. You may look pretty tough with a samurai sword or some nun-chucks but you’ll soon be dead because these “zombies” have guns. They’ll shoot you and then start eating your ass.

My recommendation for surviving these maniacs is to get out of the city and hide out till they starve to death. However, if the Apocalypse hits when you’re in the city you better get a machine gun to ward off the swarm of unprepared maniacs. (We’ll talk about escaping the city later.)

Overall I would recommend light weight weapons such as brass knuckles, a trench knife or a pistol. Me, I’ll have all three. I’m not messing around out there. I know the temptation is great to go out and buy a Magnum or a Desert Eagle. But you don’t need to blow people’s limbs off. Just get a small caliber pistol that can get wet and dirty. Try this P99. But any sidearm will do.

See you at the apocalypse.

-Nick

Start a Fire: Part 1

“Stop these patronizing posts!” You’re saying. “I know how to build a fire.” I bet you do, but in the coming apocalypse you may have problems finding butane refills for your lighter. Also, starting a fire is tough to do when you need one. Most folks can get a rolling fire going to cook their s’mores, but when its 30 below and your hands are blue it can be a bit tougher. The most important thing is to keep your head. Don’t rush to find the closest burnables available. If they are damp you’re going to waste valuable time. Find small pieces of wood and bark. Birch bark will burn when wet and will be the post-apocalyptic currency so collect it when you see it. Leave those big logs behind. I know you want to build a huge fire, but the bigger the log the more water it’s going to have inside and water doesn’t burn so well. Big logs will burn longer but if it’s heat you’re after, small branches burn with more intensity because they are more easily consumed.

Pick a good place your fire. Stay out of the wind of course, and maybe try to find a boulder to build your fire next to. This will reflect some of that heat back on to you. You’re not working to heat the out of doors…

Get a Gun

     Gun possession is a controversial subject. In our pre-apocalyptic world a lot of people do not want guns around because they are dangerous. Don’t be a pussy. Once that apocalypse hits you’re going to wish you had one. If you’re a big anti gun person you can pat yourself on the back while you lick soup can labels and the rest of us get an adequate protein intake.

“Well, I can grow food and if I really want meat I can trap it”, and you may be right if the “apocalypse” is more like big tea party then a world wide calamity. The hard truth is that as the apocalyptic conditions go from bad to worse, you will likely have to be on the move. With the collapse of society, certain climates are going to become increasingly dangerous. If the apocalypse ushers in massive climate change of the cold variety, you had really better be ready to move. Now don’t throw away those seeds, but if you have to be on the move, hunting may very well be your only chance at a consistent source of food…..