Letter: Scared in St. Paul

Dear “Survive the Apocalypse”,

I live in St. Paul and don’t own a gun.  Assuming there would be no Wal-Marts around if the world ended tomorrow, how do you capture food in the early stages of a post-apocalyptic world?  Is this what the dog is for?

Thanks, I have a feeling you’re going to save my life.

-Scared in St. Paul

Consider your life saved “Scared.” I know it’s going to be hard out there with-out Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and other staple foods, but there are actually some foods that nature can provide and they are surprisingly tasty. You may think that food grows from the inside of cellophane and plastic, but actually it grows from the ground. Yeah that’s right. Dirt!

You should start now and create a small practice garden. Learn which plants grow well where you’re at, and which ones provide the most nutrients. For example, Chives may grow like grass, but you’d get some nasty poops before you’d ever be full. Start with food that grows below the surface like potatoes and carrots. The air may be somewhat poisonous so the less exposure your food has the better. Now, the sun may not shine for a while in this world creating a tough environment to grow plants. In that case you may have to scavenge canned goods. Head to the abandoned Wal-Mart and hope no body has ransacked the snack aisle. If not, you’ll have all the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos you can eat. See the apocalypse is not that bad!

See You at the Apocalypse

- Nick

Get a Dog

A requirement of survival in the post-apocalyptic world is finding a loyal pup to trot along the wasteland with you. It’s going to be tough out there and you’re going to need someone to talk to. Dogs are the best option because they don’t talk back and eat less than a human companion would. Also, if you’ve watched any movies about the end of the world you know that post-apocalyptic dogs are very well trained. They have to be. The dogs you’ll find in this new world are conditioned for the hardships and know what it takes to survive. They’ll be loyal to you because of the happiness you give them, and will also be well trained due to the fact that they’ve survived thus far. Think about dogs that incessantly bark, eat plaster, jump up on people or eat so many sticks their poop looks like haystacks. Do you think those kinds of dogs will survive? No way, and thus I doubt I’ll be seeing my dog afterwards…

Stay Solo

If you meet a stranger looking for a buddy, don’t invite him along. People in the afterworld can get quite annoying if they haven’t spoken to anyone for a while. Sure it may be fun at first chatting about old TV shows you used to watch or your favorite cereal, but you’ll find it won’t stop. The guy won’t go away and then he’ll start asking for some of your food. It’ll then be nearly impossible to ditch him. You won’t have an excuse, “Oh you know, I can’t stay, I got to go and…” What? He knows you got nothing on your agenda…